Fingergate Update: MNET Sacks BBA Producer

Ofunnemania!
By Dele OMOTUNDE
This is Big Brother! Ofunneka Ndewonu, please come to the diary room...

Yes o! Biggie Biggie!!

Good evening Ofunneka and welcome back to the Big Brother House for the post-eviction diary session. How have you been coping with stardom and your people since you left the Big Brother House?

Biggie, I have been having the blast of my life. Everywhere I go, people want to touch me and feel if I am real. But I tell them, Biggie, that I am the same Ofunneka that spent 98 days in the house. You can trust Niagarans. They are so inquisitive that they want to know virtually everything...

Like what?

Like what happened on that fateful Saturday afternoon.

Did you tell them?

Well, I told them I was too unconscious to know what happened or did not happen.

I seeeee... And they accepted your explanation?

Niagarans? For where? One rude reporter pointedly told me that Richard Lander landed his finger in my pie while I was in coma, which is a blatant lie...

But you have just told Big Brother you were too unconscious to know what happened. How come you are denying the fact that Richard gave you a kiss and a...?

Biggie, if you don't mind, I don’t want to comment further on what has become a cliche because my people have overlooked it and made me a moral ambassador for the whole of Africa and the Caribbean. It's time to move on with my life.

Well, let's skip that for now because these your people are the same people who were asking that M-Net and MultiChoice be banned for broadcasting the reality show. If they had succeeded in banning us, would they have seen the 'potential' in you as a ‘virtuous woman’ as they now label you?

But, Biggie, seriously speaking, am I not really virtuous? Am I not beautiful? I did not lose my head. It was only that efulefu cassanova that could not control his appetite as I laid prostrate like a human sushi on the bed on that 'alcohornic' Saturday. Tufia! Tufia!! Tufia!!!

Which one is that? Are you spitting or what?!

I'm only expressing my disgust over what they say the son of a dog did to me.

Now, if I may ask, what lesson did you learn from the Saturday incident?

I have learnt that, as a lady, I should be more circumspect in the way I deal with the bottle, especially among strangers. I think my plane overshot the runway that black Saturday. And I think I should hold the 'traffic controllers' in the Big Brother studio responsible for overindulging us with ethanol.

Ethanol? You must be joking! Generally speaking, what are the things you learnt from participating in the Big Brother show? Or did you go back home empty-handed?

You must be kidding me! I learnt a lot. Personally I have learnt that failure can inspire success. Before I went into the house, I was completely dejected. In fact, I was a psychological wreck, so to speak. This really inspired me to work hard in the house to achieve...

Can you explain what exactly happened to you before entering the Big Brother house?

Yes, Biggie. My world had just collapsed before my very eyes. I lost my boyfriend as soon as our joint business went down the drain. I was like an orphan in need of a foster home. Big Brother House provided the needed refuge for me.

Will it be correct to say that you came in for a sort of emotional catharsis?

Yes, Biggie. I needed a break from the dark world outside. And that's why, throughout my stay in the house, I cooked like a restauranteur, danced like Janet Jackson (without any wardrobe malfunction) and avoided men like the plague, save for the Black Saturday when I had one shot too many.

So, the Saturday thing was a mistake?

You call it a mistake? I call it a calamity... I mean a catastrophic calamity!

Sorry, girl. What else did you observe or learn?

I observed and was able to confirm that, indeed, the race is not always for the swift. The slow and steady also do have a chance. The element of luck is also there to contend with. If not, the Big Five would not have been able to withstand the hip hop shenanigans and the pseudo-intellectual onslaught of the Untouchables. Max saved me from possible eviction at a time Meryl ought to have been rescued while Lerato threw away her joker as house leader for the 2010 World Cup ticket, an event taking place in her home country! This brings me to another point, to wit, that we should never underrate anybody in any competition. Goliath tried it and fell to David's sling. So did the Untouchables! They thought the prize was theirs for the taking and so took the Big Five for granted. That was a terrible miscalculation. The harder they came up for possible eviction, the harder they fell.

Do you want to comment about the shower hour?

Why not? I do not see anything wrong with that. Shower hour has its own significance. It's symbolic of the housemates' total surrender to Big Brother. With a battery of cameras and microphones all over the place, I think showering in the nude is a symbolic acknowledgement of our loss of privacy the very moment we all stepped into the house.

Did you learn anything from the various relationships?

Yes, of course. Richard and Tatiana are a good example of true love. Like the famed Romeo and Juliet, they were ready to die for each other. I remember that when Tatiana had the chance to save herself and put Richard's neck on the guillotine she opted to literally die for him. That is love, menn! The kind Whitney Houston would sing about any day. That's why I love the girl. She is an apostle of unconditional love unlike the Niagarans who will cry “hossanah” today and shout “crucify him” tomorrow.

Sorry, I did not get the Niagara aspect.

I was told by my friends that these Niagarans who are now praising me to the high heavens for being ‘virtuous’ are the same who were cursing my chi for allowing me to be part of what they call the ‘ungodly’ act of a Big Brother show. They told me that even a pastor who wrote a stinker in the newspapers, calling me names for being part of the reality show is willing to officiate at a thanksgiving service in my honour. Can you beat that? Our people are like that. They always behave like yo-yos when it comes to loyalty.

That's life for you. Failure is an orphan while success is everybody's baby.

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