Author Topic: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.  (Read 20036 times)

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Offline Penthome

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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #30 on: July 23, 2009, 05:02:25 PM »
10 Principles for Peace of Mind 1. Do Not Interfere In Others' Business Unless Asked 2. Forgive And Forget 3. Do Not Crave For Recognition 4. Do Not Be Jealous 5. Change Yourself According To The Environment 6. Endure What Cannot Be Cured 7. Do Not Bite Off More Than You Can Chew 8. Meditate Regularly 9. Never Leave The Mind Vacant 10. Do Not Regret!
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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #31 on: July 23, 2009, 05:03:33 PM »
Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.
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Offline WatchULukin4

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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #32 on: July 23, 2009, 05:37:30 PM »
10 Principles for Peace of Mind 1. Do Not Interfere In Others' Business Unless Asked 2. Forgive And Forget 3. Do Not Crave For Recognition 4. Do Not Be Jealous 5. Change Yourself According To The Environment 6. Endure What Cannot Be Cured 7. Do Not Bite Off More Than You Can Chew 8. Meditate Regularly 9. Never Leave The Mind Vacant 10. Do Not Regret!

some1's been listenin 2 my grandma! so true!!!
everybodi smiles in d same language!

Offline Penthome

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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #33 on: July 24, 2009, 01:02:00 AM »
Your money or your life? You came too late I gave my life to Christ already do your worst cos I aint giving you a dime!
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #34 on: July 24, 2009, 02:20:15 AM »
What if toilet paper have the sense of smell?
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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #35 on: July 27, 2009, 03:22:30 PM »
Chinese proverbs: Virginity like bubble,1 prick, all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Panties not best tin on earth,but next to best tin on earth. War does not determine who's right,war determine whos left. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build baby crib, but one screw to fill it. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #36 on: July 27, 2009, 03:48:26 PM »
Guyz always trust your Instinct... what smells bad is bad ,if not rotten; when it smells sweet dont be deceived it may be sour... but when it smells good in most cases its good... Thank God i made the right choice ...
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Offline WatchULukin4

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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #37 on: July 28, 2009, 12:40:10 AM »
haha...chinese 'proverbs' lwkmd
everybodi smiles in d same language!

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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #38 on: July 29, 2009, 10:50:26 PM »
Life hands you lemons, you make lemonde. if u dnt like lemonade, pretend it's iced tea ;D made dat up all by myself
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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #39 on: July 29, 2009, 11:11:44 PM »
what lemonade is please

Offline Penthome

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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #40 on: July 30, 2009, 04:54:14 PM »
Though my account balance may be in red & ATM swallowed my card, Though my handsets have no credit & the batteries are empty, Though my lover may betray me & claim it's God's will 2switch base, I'm singing joyful praise to God. I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God. Counting on God's Rule to prevail, I take heart & gain strength. I run like a deer. I feel like I'm king of the mountain!![MyHeart verson]
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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #41 on: July 30, 2009, 06:41:31 PM »
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
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Offline WatchULukin4

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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #42 on: July 31, 2009, 10:25:46 AM »
what lemonade is please

mm. u dnt know wat lemonade is?
its jus lemon-juice so to speak...wit sum sugar..
everybodi smiles in d same language!

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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #43 on: July 31, 2009, 06:54:32 PM »
Lemonade is squashed (squeezed lime) plus some sugar and water. Sweetest drink ever!
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Offline WatchULukin4

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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #44 on: July 31, 2009, 11:51:47 PM »
Lemon. not lime...hence d name. duh!!!
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Offline mona

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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #45 on: August 01, 2009, 11:26:58 AM »
 ???
monabellucci events...delivering lasting impressions.

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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #46 on: August 01, 2009, 11:42:56 AM »
The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.
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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #47 on: August 04, 2009, 09:34:44 AM »
If you luv something let it go, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.
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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #48 on: August 06, 2009, 10:35:05 AM »
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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #49 on: August 06, 2009, 10:35:49 AM »
Do Less Thinking & pay more attention 2ur heart. Do Less Acquiring & pay more attention 2 what u already hv. Do Less Complaining & pay more attntn 2 giving. Do Less Controlling, & pay more attention 2 letting go. Do Less Criticizing & pay more attntn to complementing. Do Less Arguing, & pay more attention 2 4giveness. Do Less Running Around & pay more attntn 2 stillness. Do Less Talking & pay more attentn 2 silence!!
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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #50 on: August 06, 2009, 10:37:21 AM »
Imagine what would have happend if ASSU wasnt on strike with the BOKO HARAM stuff. When God works, just shut up!!!
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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #51 on: August 10, 2009, 11:12:42 AM »
Praise the Lord, she used to be blind but now she squints to see!
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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #52 on: August 10, 2009, 12:33:38 PM »
Doubting your heart is like schizophrenia; you see things that are not there. The best way to combat it is to ingnore them 'cos they are mere delusions
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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #53 on: August 10, 2009, 05:19:45 PM »
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with no cure. All must die but some will "perish".
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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #54 on: August 11, 2009, 10:24:10 AM »
a candle losses nothing when used to light another one..'.
       influence your world
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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #55 on: August 12, 2009, 06:51:28 PM »
 Ti n ba gbe Koko Mansion, fi mi si le (Asa Remix)
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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #56 on: August 13, 2009, 12:05:39 AM »
A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight.
The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."
The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"
"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."

Two Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."


10 things in golf that sound dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Marriage Quotes By Men

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.


Husband's Great Gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


Men Should Listen

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.


Smartest Man in the World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

The Tiger
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."


Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


Farting All The Time

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #57 on: August 13, 2009, 12:06:07 AM »
My Rules

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."


Male assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.


Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."


Memory Class

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

Money Talks!
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!


Last Day on the Job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "#$%@ him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Funniest Facebook Quotes of the day.
« Reply #59 on: August 16, 2009, 10:14:58 AM »
Religion keeps the poor from murdering the rich.~ Albert Einstein
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