Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 25960 times)

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Offline Penthome

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Joke of the day
« on: November 23, 2009, 08:55:44 AM »
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."


==================================


Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....

Question: what would you like to have, fruit juice, soda, tea, chocolate, cappuccino, frapuccino or coffee?
Answer: Tea please.
Question : Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea?
Answer: Ceylon tea please
Question : how would you like it, black or white?
Answer: white
Question : milk or fresh cream?
Answer: with milk
Question : goat's milk or cow's milk?
Answer; with cow's milk please
Question : freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: umm, think I'll just take it black
Question : would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
Answer: with sugar
Question : beet sugar or cane sugar?
Answer: cane sugar
Question : white, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Oya, forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead
Question : mineral water, tap water or distilled water?
Answer: mineral water
Question : flavored or non-flavored?
Answer: Abeg, I think I'll just die of thirst. Which kind wahala be dis?!
« Last Edit: May 17, 2010, 11:16:51 PM by Penthome »
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Offline mekoyo

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2009, 04:14:49 PM »
Penthome baba
!!!Until you accept your failure as final then are you finally a failure!!!

Offline mekoyo

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2009, 04:15:27 PM »
Penthome baba
!!!Until you accept your failure as final then are you finally a failure!!!

Offline Ebony Ty

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2009, 01:48:58 AM »
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."


==================================


Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....

Question: what would you like to have, fruit juice, soda, tea, chocolate, cappuccino, frapuccino or coffee?
Answer: Tea please.
Question : Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea?
Answer: Ceylon tea please
Question : how would you like it, black or white?
Answer: white
Question : milk or fresh cream?
Answer: with milk
Question : goat's milk or cow's milk?
Answer; with cow's milk please
Question : freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: umm, think I'll just take it black
Question : would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
Answer: with sugar
Question : beet sugar or cane sugar?
Answer: cane sugar
Question : white, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Oya, forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead
Question : mineral water, tap water or distilled water?
Answer: mineral water
Question : flavored or non-flavored?
Answer: Abeg, I think I'll just die of thirst. Which kind wahala be dis?!



LMAO...............OMG, WAHALA 2 MUCH............
"Queen of Sheba"

Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2009, 08:39:56 AM »
There was a Packers fan with a really lame seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #5 on: November 26, 2009, 01:30:56 AM »
A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."
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Offline davidenko

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2009, 08:41:59 PM »
Splain lucy, Im not as dumb as you think.

My friend scored an IQ of 160 but I still managed to convince him that that was a poor result.
ca$h rule$ #v#rything around m#...

Offline davidenko

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2009, 08:56:15 PM »
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill
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Offline Jidoskie

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #8 on: November 27, 2009, 09:03:26 PM »
 ;D

Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #9 on: November 28, 2009, 12:52:26 PM »
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT !".
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you", and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says: "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2009, 01:25:39 AM »
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #11 on: December 01, 2009, 01:40:35 AM »
A blonde, brunette and redhead all decide to participate in the swimming of the English channel.

They all decided to do the same stroke as it would be fair and they should all finish at the same time. Not wanting to lose energy quickly, they chose breast stroke.

They all started and a few hours later, the brunette arrives on land, tired.

The next one to complete it, was the redhead, a couple of hours behind the brunette.

Lastly, 6 hours after the brunette had arrived, the blonde clambers on shore, absolutely exhausted.

When the TV crew arrived, they asked her why she took so long, she replied: "Not to be a sore loser or anything but I'm pretty sure I saw the other two using their arms."
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #12 on: December 01, 2009, 01:41:04 AM »
Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2009, 10:06:19 AM »
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.
"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
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Offline Solimontero1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #14 on: December 04, 2009, 07:22:52 AM »
Penthome,why nt go into comedy,coz ur funny!
Its better 2 die 4 something than to live for nothing

Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #15 on: December 04, 2009, 09:12:46 AM »
Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, No Professionals."
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #16 on: December 04, 2009, 09:13:13 AM »
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #17 on: December 04, 2009, 09:15:58 AM »
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Offline Solimontero1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #18 on: December 04, 2009, 01:48:26 PM »
Someone once said the act of sleeping is only an act of leaning how 2 die! Is it true?
Its better 2 die 4 something than to live for nothing

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #19 on: December 04, 2009, 03:15:32 PM »
Pedro and Maria got married.  He was experienced, while she was naive.  On
their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria asked, "Pedro!  What is that handle like thing hanging between your legs?"

Pedro was a quick thinker. "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these handles that will give you immense pleasure... And then he proudly showed her what it was for.  Maria was more than pleased.

After the honeymoon was over, Pedro went back to work.  He returned home to
find an upset Maria waiting on their front porch.

"Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet
today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!"

Ever fast on his feet, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend... since I had two, I gave him one.  So he is the only other man in the world with one."

A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home the next
day, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.

"Maria?  Now  what's wrong?"

"Damn it, Pedro. You gave the better one to Gonzalez!"
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Offline Penthome

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Gold digger Na God go punish you
« Reply #20 on: December 04, 2009, 03:28:34 PM »
Reader, if this happened to you, what will be your reaction?
 
On a radio phone-in program, there was this guy who presented his problem thus;

Caller: There's this girl I've known for about 10 months now whom I really really like. I've sent her flowers, called her as many times as possible in a day, everyday, told her sweet things most of it how I felt about her which was entirely true, tried everything to make her give me some attention but she just ignored me. I've moved on since then, though still single.

Then about 4 months ago, I got a new job, bought a car and moved into a new apartment (my own apartment). I guess she got word of this because

right now she wouldn't let me rest. She's filling my box with mails, my phone with sms messages and calls me like her father owns the network.

Please advice me as I don't know what to do.

This was the radio presenter's reply. 

Presenter: This is what you should do; when you get home on a Friday night, call her up to let her know you'll be coming to her place. Then you rest a while. When you feel you've had enough rest then take a bath. Put on some neat clothes. Get a bottle of your best perfume. Then drive over to her place. When you see her, pull her close and give her a very warm embrace. Softly whisper in her ears "Na God go punish you!" Then you take your leave.
           
 
 
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Offline Ken

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Secret of Long Life
« Reply #21 on: December 04, 2009, 11:51:04 PM »
Why some men live long...

click to enlarge

[float=left][/float]

[float=left][/float]
« Last Edit: December 05, 2009, 08:08:00 AM by Ken »
Do not hesitate to pay for your knowledge.

Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #22 on: December 05, 2009, 09:22:59 PM »
If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the opposite of PROGRESS?
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #23 on: December 08, 2009, 10:02:31 AM »
a female cop pulls over a drunk man, she tells him, "anything you say will be held against you." the drunk man yells "TITTES!"
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #24 on: December 10, 2009, 09:19:54 AM »
Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: "I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal."

"Well" replied the other farmer "I'm not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you'd give me one?"

"Of course" says the first.

The second farmer continued: "and if you had two cars, you'd give me one of them too?"

"Absolutely"

"So" says the second farmer, "if you had two pigs then you'd give me one of them?"

"Ah, now hang on a minute" says the first, "you know I've got two pigs!"
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #25 on: December 11, 2009, 02:20:12 PM »
After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"

God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"

Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"

God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."

Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"
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Offline Solimontero1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #26 on: December 11, 2009, 05:08:39 PM »
A  drunk guy who entered his car suddently exclaimed;theif! Theif oooh!! ,my gear,my brakes has been stolen.When we came close to the scene,we found out that he was sitting on the back seat.
Its better 2 die 4 something than to live for nothing

Offline davidenko

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #27 on: December 12, 2009, 10:06:12 AM »
 ;D ;D did you allow him drive? you should be sued for attempted murder
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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #28 on: December 12, 2009, 11:33:26 AM »
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
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Offline Solimontero1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #29 on: December 12, 2009, 11:45:13 AM »
 ;D
Its better 2 die 4 something than to live for nothing