Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 27004 times)

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Offline Solimontero1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #30 on: December 13, 2009, 04:06:27 PM »
When i entered a church as new member,i was being directed by the usher when he suddenly lit up a stick of cigarrette,i was so shocked that i almost dropped the bottle of STAR  BEER i was holding.
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #31 on: December 14, 2009, 06:53:09 AM »
A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said, "what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.

"Well the answer is obvious," he said "if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
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Offline FASHION

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #32 on: December 14, 2009, 07:27:28 AM »
 :D
Rare treasure
Antique shops, a customer ask: "what is the revolver in?"
"Sir, this is the room floors." The shopkeeper said, "it is the time of the Roman empire.
"But. Never heard the Romans have revolver ah." Customer said.
The shopkeeper said: "because of no. Sir, so it is the rare treasure."

Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #33 on: December 15, 2009, 08:48:22 AM »
A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies I'm sorry, we don't do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we don't do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave.
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #34 on: December 16, 2009, 10:23:50 AM »
The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #35 on: December 17, 2009, 09:09:11 AM »
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

"University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #36 on: December 18, 2009, 09:57:54 AM »
A blonde and a brunette were talking, and the blonde was very stressed. The brunette asked her what was the matter. The blonde proceeded to tell her that she really needed to sell her car, but no one would buy because it has 130,000 miles on it.

The brunette said to her, "I know a way that will help you sell it. I have a friend who can help you, but it's illegal."

The blonde said, "I'll do anything." So the brunette gave the blonde the phone number of a guy who could turn back the odometer on her car. A week later the blonde and the brunette crossed paths, and the brunette asked the blonde if she had sold her car yet.

The blonde said, "Why would I sell a car with only 40,000 miles on it?!"
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #37 on: December 19, 2009, 07:57:02 AM »
A New York lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an older man asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The New York attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His next too kicks caused the lawyer so much pain that he just about gave up. However, the New York lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #39 on: December 20, 2009, 08:59:24 AM »
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"
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Offline mekoyo

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #40 on: December 20, 2009, 04:01:12 PM »
Oops
!!!Until you accept your failure as final then are you finally a failure!!!

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #41 on: December 21, 2009, 10:20:34 AM »
Eve: Adam, do you love me?
Adam: Who else?
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #42 on: December 22, 2009, 09:58:57 AM »
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast- feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."
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Offline Solimontero1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #43 on: December 22, 2009, 10:56:22 AM »
I cant remember when u became a nursing mother
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Offline mona

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #44 on: December 22, 2009, 03:37:39 PM »
One day a mad man entered a church with a gun and asked "Who is a Christian"?

There was a great silence for some minutes, then a woman stood up and said she was a Christian, so the mad man killed her, after that he asked again "Who else is a Christian"?.

A youth stood up and said "The pastor is a Christian", then the mad man then face the pastor and ask him "Are you a Christian?". The pastor said "No, it is not true because am a new comer."
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #45 on: December 26, 2009, 09:06:45 AM »
A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #46 on: December 28, 2009, 10:28:10 AM »
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT !".
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you", and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says: "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #47 on: December 30, 2009, 11:23:48 AM »
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #48 on: December 31, 2009, 08:57:01 AM »
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me... is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say Sem Ting."
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Offline Solimontero1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #49 on: January 02, 2010, 11:23:25 AM »
A child being jealous wanted 2 scare his kid brother from sucking his mother's breast,quitely rubbed poison on the breast..The next morning, the gateman died of food poison, guess what killed him.
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Offline Thuraya

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #50 on: January 02, 2010, 04:45:06 PM »
cheating
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

A. Lincoln

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #51 on: January 03, 2010, 09:03:03 AM »
By who?
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #52 on: January 03, 2010, 09:51:20 AM »
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.
"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
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Offline BBFan

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #53 on: January 04, 2010, 10:26:44 AM »
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Offline Solimontero1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #54 on: January 05, 2010, 07:47:50 AM »
      HEAVEN'S GATE
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshiper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed" and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily."

Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives identified only as the "Wise Men". Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. Some journalists have speculated that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah may have been to divert attention away from God's political problems.

If these allegations prove to be true, this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Known for his fiery oratory, God has sometimes been criticized for his political theatrics, as when he introduced the bill he styled "The Ten Commandments" by appearing as a burning bush on the Senate floor. Regardless of the outcome of the investigation, however, it is unlikely that a sitting God can be removed from power. Most legal scholars are in agreement that indicting God would constitute taking God's name in vain.
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Offline Penthome

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #55 on: January 05, 2010, 11:57:33 AM »
Soli, una don mean me this time around ol. Funny one there, but I got one!
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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #56 on: January 05, 2010, 11:59:07 AM »
It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.

Marty Winch
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Offline Solimontero1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #57 on: January 06, 2010, 05:04:23 PM »
Dan Rather of CBS news was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when Rather turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.
 
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to Rather, "What would you like to discuss?"
 
"Oh, I don't know" said Rather, "How about politics? Should we keep Bush as president or elect Kerry?"
 
"OK" said Little Tommy, "That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat patties, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you think that is?"
 
"Jeez" said Rather, "I have no idea."
 
"Well then" said Little Tommy, How is it you feel qualified to discuss who should run this country when you don't know shit?"
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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #58 on: January 06, 2010, 07:01:30 PM »
LoL, the country is full of shit ;D

A wise teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything that your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

Yo momma so old, she older than yo grandma!
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Offline Solimontero1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #59 on: January 06, 2010, 07:42:41 PM »
There was a man who went to a baseball game. He buys a hot dog, and a coke. He finds a seat in the crowded stands and sits. He's about to take a bite of his hotdog when someone yells, "HEY BOB!" He stands up and looks around, but doesn't see anyone so he sits down. Right before he can take a sip of his drink someone yells, "HEY BOB!!" He stands up, looks around, doesn't see anyone and sits down. Again someone yells, "HEY BOB!!!" Agitated he stands up and screams, "MY NAME'S NOT BOB!!!!"
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