Joke of the day

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[Today]

• BE TRUTHFULLY TRUTHFUL by Penthome [Today at 02:13:07 AM]
• Crush!~! by Penthome [Today at 02:12:29 AM]
• Post your quote of the da... by Penthome [Today at 02:06:01 AM]
• Quotes of the day by Penthome [Today at 01:56:50 AM]
• NFA appoints new Eagles C... by Shollyhigh [March 08, 2010, 12:52:13 AM]
• MY KING - An exposé of th... by Penthome [March 07, 2010, 05:40:41 PM]
• Just saying by Penthome [March 04, 2010, 10:36:23 PM]
• Joke of the day by Solimontero1 [March 03, 2010, 06:27:11 AM]
• Official FiFA 2010 Song -... by Penthome [March 02, 2010, 11:51:45 PM]
• Nigeria Highway Robbery& ... by davidenko [March 02, 2010, 07:06:04 PM]

[Penthome]

Joseph of Arimathea was a very wealthy Pharisee, a member of the council, and a secret follower of Jesus. It was Joseph who went to Pilate and asked for Jesus’ body after the crucifixion. And it was Joseph who supplied the tomb for Jesus’ burial.

Well, it seems that someone pulled him aside and said, "Joseph, that was such beautiful, costly, hand-hewn tomb. Why on earth did you give it to someone else to be buried in?"

Joseph just smiled. "Why not? He only needed it for the weekend."   

ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND.

[Solimontero1]

Believe It Or Not!

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven't got brains.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.

[Solimontero1]

Believe it or not

[Penthome]

Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it.

[Penthome]

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

[davidenko]

Joke of the day is that we could not open the website this weekend and there is still no explanation from the Admin 

[Penthome]

A blonde walked into a store to buy curtains.

She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those pink curtains to fit my computer screen.

The salesman mentioned, "Computers don't need curtains."

The blonde said, "Hellooo?. I have windows!"

[Penthome]

Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.

[Penthome]

Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "To be continued."

[ngslide]

wonderful,so house helps now attend nite skool just to improve on their manner.
see levels sha!!!
anyway won't mind cappuccino with out xtras

[Penthome]

BEDROOM DEMOCRACY
 
Young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the
rest of their marriage. While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimize the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me
know if my request is too demanding of you." On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and
accepting of her proposal when he reads it.
 
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realize that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.
 
I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.
 
 1. TUESDAY
 
 2. THURSDAY
 
 3. TODAY
 
 4. TOMORROW
 
 P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."

[Penthome]

This is absolutely crazy!!! You need a good laugh? Here you go.. .. ..
Kyle's dad brought home a robot one day.
The robot has the  ability to detect lies and would slap the person who lied on  the face.

Kyle returned late from school and dad asked, "Son why
are you late from school?"."Dad, we had extra classes today".The robot slapped Kyle on his face.
 
Dad  shouted "Now com'n ell me the truth. Why are you  late?" "Dad, I went to a movie"
"Which  movie?"
"The Ten mmandments" Immediately,  Kyle got another slap from the robot .
"Sorry Dad, I  went to see the movie "Sex Queen".
 
Shame on you  son, when I was your age "I never watched
obscene  movies  ...  Immediately, the dad gets a hot slap on the face from the  robot.
 Kyle's mother comes walking out of the kitchen  and says to her husband, "After all  he is your  son!!!"
The robot steps up and slapped the mother.

[Penthome]

NEWS MIDDLE EAST
 
    
Suicide Bombers To Embark On Strike    
   
 

Al-Qaeda fighters are said to be worried about the dwindling number of virgins

Suicide bombers are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a
dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an
agreement.
 
The unrest began last Friday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of
virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%
next month from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase
in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage
of virgins in the afterlife.
 
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable
to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General
secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working
themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return
but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
 
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that
the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by
management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of
250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be
pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management
but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
 
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al
Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our
workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their
demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad,
in a competitive marketplace.
 
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in
the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and
laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell
3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He
defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract
good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I
can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
"A major issue is that the remaining virgins are ugly and don’t like rap music"
Abd AlHaidar,
Afterlife Analyst
 

Abdullah Amir calls for an urgent review of virgin allocation
Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a
virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on
orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted
as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like
that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their
striking brethren.
 
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the
entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".   
         
         
 
 
 
 
 


 

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 9.0.733 / Virus Database: 271.1.1/2653 - Release Date: 01/28/10 15:55:00

[Penthome]

Yo Momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!"

[Penthome]

ARSENAL JOKE

   Branson was asked to be an Arsenal sponsor. He said; "How could we possibly put VIRGIN on the Shirts of a team that gets f***** every week?"

[Penthome]

Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention!

[mona]

*Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good
home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without
even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were
too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed
the sign to read: "Fridge for sale R50." The next day someone stole it.*

[mona]

I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram
sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to
make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the
half-kgr.*

[mona]

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived
yet?"..

[Penthome]

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.Love, Bubba

[Penthome]

Yo momma so old, her social security number is 1!

[Penthome]

After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"

God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"

Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"

God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."

Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

[Penthome]

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front.
Who do you let in?

Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

Yo momma so old, she older than yo grandma!

[Solimontero1]

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes

[Solimontero1]

Top 10 reasons why kittens are better than babies:

10. Veterinarians have evening hours.

9. Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its crying. Hell, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even't have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.

8. Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.

7. Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath this month.

6. You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you are going to finance your kitten's college (or high school) education.

5. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't want to breast feed your kitten.

4. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.

3. Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you aren't married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.

2. No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.

And the Number 1 reason:

1. You only have to change a litter box once a day

[BBFan]

 

[mona]

lol

[Solimontero1]

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, ! if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

[Penthome]

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She was talking to the doctor."

[Solimontero1]

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, ! if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
`

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